I miss my dear Shirley-her huge smile and deep set dimples. Her smart ass remarks and her super big heart. I miss her telling me how I ruined her life. I miss helping her "cook". I miss our holidays at work-especially Valentines Day. Room 11 is even sadder now. My two girls took their last breath in the same room. Best friends.
I miss Jamal-yes, my pain-in-the-ass baby daddy. I miss our random super long phone conversations. I miss his help with our son and hearing their stories of their time together. I miss his voice (I secretly liked when he said my name...lol!) and of course I miss that huge smile of his. Most of all I miss his protection-I always felt protected with him around. He was my security and now it's gone...forever.
I miss my dear sister. My Ana, how different we were-but there is no denying that we loved each other. I miss her crazy text msg's. The one's that I was afraid to open with anyone else around. I miss her crazy stories and her facial expression that came along with those stories. I miss her walking into my room to say hi, I miss watching her do her laundry...lol..or standing in the kitchen cooking. I miss us three in the kitchen (mom, Ana, and I). Oh my sister...I wish more than anything you were still here with us. As I watch your babies grow I can't help to feel sad because YOU are supposed to be here. I feel guilty because I'm here and you're not...because those little moments are yours and should not be mine. There is no replacing a mother...and yet I wanna be as close to them as you were...oh the guilt and sadness kills me sometimes!! I want my sister back!!!!!
I miss BOTH my grandmothers. I miss Grandma yelling..lol..she was so cute! She was so filled with love. She truly loved unconditionally. She loved and worried about us all equally. I am forever grateful for all that she ever did for me. Without her I wouldn't be where I am now. None of would be. I miss my abuela's letters and stories. I miss her visits with us and how she looked as us with so much love. Both my grandmothers passed away within a week of each other. Maybe they figured it was best if they left us around the same time...
What I selfishly miss about all of them are their phone calls on my birthday each year. Who knew that birthday wishes meant so much. Especially since I hate my birthdays. Birthdays and holidays will always be bittersweet memories of them.
So many loved ones lost in such a short time. I know that I don't suffer alone. Silently we suffer together. I'm blessed to wake up each morning and still be here...but how easily I forget that it's a blessing. I am now, in the scariest way, being reminded of it. I pray that I'm here for many years to come. I want to see ALL the kids grow up and do their thing, then I'll be ready. For now-I'd like to stay.
I miss you all so much but hope to see you later........