Life.

Re-reading my previous post. How sad that I was missing my Priscilla and now I'm missing even more people. Life is truly taken for granted. Each year we should count it as a blessing and not look at is as we're getting older. The blessing is bittersweet because each year that goes by is another year without those that I love and miss oh so much!!

I miss my dear Shirley-her huge smile and deep set dimples. Her smart ass remarks and her super big heart. I miss her telling me how I ruined her life. I miss helping her "cook". I miss our holidays at work-especially Valentines Day. Room 11 is even sadder now. My two girls took their last breath in the same room. Best friends.

I miss Jamal-yes, my pain-in-the-ass baby daddy. I miss our random super long phone conversations. I miss his help with our son and hearing their stories of their time together. I miss his voice (I secretly liked when he said my name...lol) and of course I miss that huge smile of his. Most of all I miss his protection-I always felt protected with him around. He was my security and now it's gone...forever.

I miss my dear sister. My Ana, how different we were-but there is no denying that we loved each other. I miss her crazy text msg's. The one's that I was afraid to open with anyone else around. I miss her crazy stories and her facial expression that came along with those stories. I miss her walking into my room to say hi, I miss watching her do her laundry...lol..or standing in the kitchen cooking. I miss us three in the kitchen (mom, Ana, and I). Oh my sister...I wish more than anything you were still here with us. As I watch your babies grow I can't help to feel sad because YOU are supposed to be here. I feel guilty because I'm here and you're not...because those little moments are yours and should not be mine. There is no replacing a mother...and yet I wanna be as close to them as you were...oh the guilt and sadness kills me sometimes!! I want my sister back!!!!!

I miss BOTH my grandmothers. I miss Grandma yelling..lol..she was so cute! She was so filled with love. She truly loved unconditionally. She loved and worried about us all equally. I am forever grateful for all that she ever did for me. Without her I wouldn't be where I am now. None of would be. I miss my abuela's letters and stories. I miss her visits with us and how she looked at us with so much love. Both my grandmothers passed away within a week of each other. Maybe they figured it was best if they left us around the same time.

What I selfishly miss about all of them are their phone calls on my birthday each year. Who knew that birthday wishes meant so much, especially since I hate my birthdays. Birthdays and holidays will always be bittersweet memories of them.

So many loved ones lost in such a short time. I know that I don't suffer alone. Silently we suffer together. I'm blessed to wake up each morning and still be here...but how easily I forget that it's a blessing. I am now, in the scariest way, being reminded of it. I pray that I'm here for many years to come. I want to see ALL the kids grow up and do their thing, then I'll be ready. For now-I'd like to stay.

I miss you all so much but hope to see you later........

Time for Vitals

So the other day I had an interesting dream. I was asleep (in my dream) and Priscilla was lying next to me. I turned to look at her and she was alseep and had a smile on her face. The smile was actually Shirley's smile, deep set dimples on each cheek, when she opened her eyes she was definitely Priscilla (the fact that i saw shirley smiling at me but Priscilla looking at me was weird yet soothing). She slid off the bed, stretched out her arms, yawned and said, "I have to pee, its 4 o'clock, just in time for vitals." And with that she strolled towards the bathroom in that unique walk of hers.
I woke up from my dream with a smile on my face. I then turned to look at my cell phone as I always do....it was 4 o'clock...just in time for vitals.

November 14th

Today marks the one year anniversary of Priscilla's death and I can't help but feel sad (obviously). The problem with feeling sad is that I can't hide it all that well and I'm at work. The last thing I want to do is make the others sad. I hate this!! I hate that she's gone. I hate that we have to lose people we love. I hate the feeling of emptyness. I hate walking into room 11 and remembering that night...knowing that Shirley is in there and even though we're not verbalizing it, we know how each other is feeling tonight. I hate not being able to speak with Priscilla....and him for that matter. Death overall sucks!!

Oh, and I have to go to another funeral later today! So my tears have to placed on hold until then. So be it.

I miss you dearly Priscilla.....and yes, you too Jamal!

So I'm out of shape...

I recently went on a hike with two of my coworkers/friends. It was part of "meet-up" group where people with similar interests get together and do stuff. Anyhow, as in the past, we let everyone walk ahead of us because we like to talk, look around, and of course we know for a fact that we are slower than the rest..= )

This hike was definately harder than the other hikes we've done. Most of it was all uphill and the worst hill was called the "devil's something", (I don't recall the entire name) and the name was definitely fitting. It felt like hell going up that hill. I got a headache and Hannah didn't feel super great going up either. Obviously everyone else reached the top before us. When I do reach the top...yes, I was the last one...I feel fine, tired, and extremely thankful.The leader then proceeds to ask me if my fingers are "swollen and pudgy" I tell him no that I am fine but he didn't believe me, he had to look at my hands. Someone asked why he asked that, his response was this: "if your fingers are swollen it means that your blood pressure is high and that you are at the end of your rope." Hmmmm I thought my fingers got swollen because my arms were hanging by my side the entire time therefore following the rules of gravity AND because of the elevation.

The rest of the hike was difficult but nowhere near as difficult as that particular hill. Before we got to our next hill the leader stopped and and waited for everyone to catch up. Hannah, Yezenia, and I were last...again. As we approached the group we were in mid-conversation and laughing. But apparently maybe we didn't look well because the leader asked if we were ok. He asked more than once and each time we answered that we were good. Then he asked, "Do you feel like throwing rocks at me yet" Our response:No His response: "because you guys are crying" Crying??? WTF?? We were just laughing! Then some smart ass yells out-"we have a Dr in the house". I know I'm out of shape but please a DR??? Ughhhhhh...freakin eh'!

All in all, the hike was a good work-out but not a friendly one. I guess we should find a hiking group that is more our pace-like maybe a beginners group. And if they take a picture at the end, our smile will be a genuine smile this time.

= )

There, I blogged!!

Oh yeah, by the way, we're nurses!!!!!!!!

So

I'm sitting here at work trying to figure out this whole blog thing. I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm computer whiz per se, but I generally tend to figure out things pretty easily. Thus far, I'm slightly confused. Maybe its because I'm not too familiar with the format (I know html coding, albeit not all that well but...). I guess I just need more time to play with this blog. Who knows, maybe I'll like it and keep blogging = ) Not that anyone would read it.

New

Hello.

I'm new to this "blogging" thing. I don't think I'll keep up with it, but we'll see. This new post is just to see what it looks like...